Who Told You That?

After years of coaching leaders, I've had hundreds—probably thousands—of coaching conversations.

Most have faded with time.

Not because they weren't important.

But because coaching is rarely about remembering the conversation. It's about remembering the transformation that followed.

Every now and then, however, a conversation stays with you.

This is one of those moments.

(Name changed for privacy. Shared with permission.)

More Than a Resume

When Florence first interviewed for a leadership role in my team, there was one obvious problem.

On paper, she wasn't the strongest candidate.

She had never worked in the industry.

She had never led in that environment.

She was stepping into an entirely new way of working.

If I'd only looked at her résumé, I probably would have kept looking.

But leadership isn't recruited from a résumé.

It's recruited from potential.

From the moment we first spoke, I saw something that couldn't be measured on paper.

She was curious.

She was humble.

She genuinely wanted to learn.

Most of all, there was a quiet confidence and a deep sense of peace about her that made me believe she belonged on the team.

She wasn't the obvious choice.

She was the right choice.

Like a tailor-made suit...

...she fit perfectly.

Digging Below the Surface

A few months later, we sat down for one of our regular coaching sessions.

These conversations were never about performance.

There were other meetings for that.

This time was reserved for growth.

For becoming.

As we explored one particular challenge, I began asking "why?"

Then another "why."

And another.

Some people call it the Five Whys.

Others say six or seven.

The number isn't important.

The purpose is.

Keep asking until you reach the belief beneath the behaviour.

Around the fourth "why," everything changed.

The tears came first.

Then the words.

"I don't feel like I'm worthy."

When the Real Conversation Begins

In that moment, the conversation stopped being about leadership skills.

It became about identity.

The challenges she was experiencing weren't being driven by capability.

They were being driven by what she believed about herself.

As her coach, every instinct wanted to rescue her.

To reassure her.

To tell her she was wrong.

But coaching isn't about removing discomfort.

It's about helping people walk through it.

Sometimes breakthrough lives on the other side of the silence.

So after allowing the moment to breathe, I asked one more question.

"Why do you believe you're not worthy?"

The silence that followed felt incredibly long.

Finally, through tears, Florence shared her story.

The Words We Carry

For much of her life, trusted people outside her family had spoken limitations over her future.

She'd been told she should settle.

That the career she really wanted wasn't realistic.

That because of learning challenges linked to a medical condition she experienced earlier in life, there were simply some doors that would never open.

Over time, those words became more than opinions.

They became beliefs.

And beliefs have an incredible way of shaping the way we see ourselves.

The tragedy wasn't that someone had spoken those words.

The tragedy was that she had started believing them.

Pulling Out the Weeds

What struck me most wasn't everything Florence couldn't do.

It was everything she already had.

She had overcome challenges that would have stopped many people.

As a teenager, she'd survived open-heart surgery.

She had continually adapted, learned and persevered despite every obstacle placed before her.

There was already overwhelming evidence that she was resilient, courageous and capable.

She just couldn't see it.

Together, we began reframing her story.

Not by pretending the past hadn't happened.

But by recognising it no longer had permission to define her future.

Those limiting words had been planted in the garden of her heart years earlier.

Given enough time, they'd taken root.

But not every seed deserves to grow.

Sometimes leadership isn't about planting something new.

Sometimes it's about pulling out the weeds.

The Question Every Leader Needs to Answer

I've coached enough leaders now to know this isn't unusual.

The limiting belief changes.

"I'm not good enough."

"I'm too young."

"I'm too old."

"I don't belong."

"I'm not experienced enough."

"I'm not worthy."

Different words.

The same prison.

As leaders, we spend enormous amounts of time developing skills.

Far less time examining the beliefs driving those skills.

Yet beliefs will always outperform ability.

Because you'll never consistently behave in a way that contradicts what you fundamentally believe about yourself.

Who Told You That?

One of the first questions God asks Adam after the fall is remarkably simple:

"Who told you that you were naked?"(Genesis 3:11)

Before addressing Adam's behaviour, God addressed the voice Adam had chosen to believe.

I think many of us need to hear that same question.

Who told you that you weren't enough?

Who told you you'd never be a leader?

Who told you your past defines your future?

Who told you your mistakes are your identity?

Because not every voice deserves authority over your life.

A Better Story

Florence didn't need a new personality.

She didn't need more intelligence.

She didn't need another qualification.

She needed permission to stop believing a story that had never been true.

Maybe you do too.

After all...

The greatest limitations in leadership aren't the ones around you.

They're often the ones you've believed about yourself.