It's Only a Scratch

Many years ago, watching television was not like it is today.

Programs had to either be watched when they aired or carefully planned around a VHS tape with limited recording time.

One of my favourite TV shows growing up was Seinfeld, a masterstroke of 90s comedy.

One particular episode still makes me laugh when I think about it — especially now as a coach.

Because hidden amongst the absurdity is a surprisingly good lesson about perception.

There is a vast difference between perception and reality.

But quite often, perception is the bigger driver of our behaviour.

In the episode, Jerry is stopped at a traffic light doing something completely innocent.

Scratching his nose.

We've all done it.

Unfortunately for Jerry, stopped alongside him is a car containing, shall we say, some potential suitors.

They look across at precisely the wrong moment.

From Jerry's perspective, he's scratching his nose.

From their perspective...

Well.

Jerry is picking his nose.

Disgusted by what they've just witnessed, they speed away.

Jerry suddenly realises what they think they've seen and desperately calls after them:

"It's a scratch! It's only a scratch!"

Too late.

Perception has already become reality.

What Does That Have to Do With Coaching?

Quite a lot, actually.

Many people coming into coaching for the first time have a perception of what coaching is going to be.

Perhaps the coach is going to tell them what to do.

Maybe they'll be given a new leadership framework, a list of actions or some sage advice from someone who supposedly has leadership figured out.

Maybe coaching is just mentoring with a different name.

Or perhaps it's simply an expensive conversation.

But that's not how I see coaching.

In fact, if you spend an entire coaching session listening to me tell you what I think you should do, something has probably gone wrong.

Because coaching isn't really about my answers.

It's about helping you examine yours.

What Actually Happens in a Coaching Session?

Usually, you bring something into the room.

A decision you're wrestling with.

A difficult relationship.

A career opportunity.

A conversation you're avoiding.

A leadership challenge.

Something you want to change.

Or perhaps just a feeling that something isn't quite right, even though you can't put your finger on what it is yet.

And we start there.

Not with a worksheet.

Not with my solution.

With you.

I'll listen.

I'll ask questions.

Sometimes I'll challenge something you've said.

Sometimes I'll reflect something back to you.

Sometimes I'll ask you to look at the situation from another perspective.

And occasionally I'll ask a question that seems almost annoyingly simple.

"What makes you believe that's true?"

Because that's where things can get interesting.

"It's Only a Scratch"

Imagine a leader comes into a coaching session and says:

"My boss doesn't trust me."

That sounds like the problem.

And perhaps it's true.

But rather than immediately jumping to:

"Here's how you rebuild trust with your boss..."

I'd be much more interested in understanding how we arrived at that conclusion.

What happened?

What did they say?

What did they do?

What did you expect them to do?

What meaning did you attach to their response?

What else could be true?

Suddenly we might discover that:

"My boss doesn't trust me"

actually means:

"My boss asked me more questions than I expected."

Those two things are not necessarily the same.

One is what happened.

The other is the story we've attached to what happened.

Just like Jerry scratching his nose, there can be an enormous difference between what happened and what we believe happened.

And once we believe our interpretation, our behaviour tends to follow.

If I believe my boss doesn't trust me, perhaps I become defensive.

Perhaps I stop sharing information.

Perhaps I over-explain every decision.

Perhaps I avoid asking for help because I think it will confirm what they already believe about me.

And eventually, the relationship really does start to deteriorate.

Our perception begins creating the very reality we were worried about.

Coaching Creates Space

This is one of the things I value most about coaching.

It creates space between what happened and what you do next.

Space to think.

Space to question.

Space to notice assumptions.

Space to explore alternatives.

And importantly, space where you don't have to pretend you already know the answer.

As leaders, we don't always get much of that.

People come to us looking for decisions.

Answers.

Direction.

Confidence.

There can be enormous pressure to know.

A coaching conversation gives you permission, for a little while, not to know.

To put something on the table.

Turn it around.

Look underneath it.

Challenge it.

And decide what you actually think before deciding what you're going to do.

So, What Actually Happens in Coaching?

We talk.

But it's not just a conversation.

You bring the subject.

I bring curiosity, challenge, questions and an outside perspective.

Together, we explore what's actually going on.

Sometimes you'll leave with an action plan.

Sometimes you'll leave with a decision.

Sometimes you'll leave with a completely different understanding of the problem you walked in with.

And sometimes the breakthrough is simply recognising that something you've believed for a very long time...

might not actually be true.

Because every now and then, what looks completely obvious from where you're sitting isn't reality at all.

Sometimes...

it's only a scratch.